I am told on a very regular basis that I need to write a book. My response is always the same “about what?” So far no one has been able to pick a topic – my life is simply way too random. While we have not decided on a topic, we most definitely have a title. My book will be aptly titled “WTF? A Memoir of Randomness”
In this week’s installment of random we shall discuss my latest foray on the ole eharms (as I affectionately call it.)
Every now and then on a boring Friday night, the girls convince me to show them my account and we draft up an email that we spam send to any guy that fits a few criteria:
1. His profile pic does not include a cat, a picture of his washboard abs, or his (illegitimate?) children. Please note – I am not opposed to washboard abs or children. I am just not sure that is the first and sole thing I need to know about him on an eharms profile.
2. He has hair, is over 5’4″ and his mouth contains teeth.
3. If I am being particularly picky that night: I enjoy an educated man that has not spent time in jail. Even better if he does not live in momma’s basement. WAY better if he appears to have a paying job and showers on a regular basis.
One particular night we sent off our dozen or so email and went back to playing Mexican Train Dominos. (Oh, how I wish I was joking.) One nice gentleman replied and we had a nice little email exchange. He was good lookin, had a job, and had not done any time in the pokey. Perfect!
The night came around for us to meet for a drink and I didn’t want to go. At all. In fact, Patti & Kathy pretty much kicked me out the door. It just all seemed too exhausting. Trying to explain myself and my life is complicated. Trying to appear somewhat normal is tiring. I am sick of the game; the back and forth, the flirting, the figuring.
I spent the first hour trying to determine if he was a serial killer. I spent the second hour trying to determine if I would go out with him again. We had a nice time, shared a bottle of wine, and I was pleasantly surprised.
He had emailed before I pulled back in the driveway. I was exuberant upon returning home and HOPE was back! Maybe eharms wasn’t so bad after all.
(Boy, do I wish this story ended well…..)
He was pretty darn good at pursuit. He called when he said he would. He texted daily. He drove halfway to meet me. I was still undecided on quite a few fronts, but 6 or 7 dates in and I was getting more and more comfortable. He met the girls, hung out in Chicken town (Gainesville), and started to talk about the future in vague terms.
And then, one day he was gone. Poof. Nothing happened. There was no fight. No weirdness. Nada. A kiss goodnight and he has been gone ever since.
I have honestly never been so baffled. I have called, texted, emailed to no avail. We have run through every possible scenario: dead, hurt, injured, kidnapped?
Every emotion: disbelief, anger, sad, bewildered, confused, hurt, wondering. I have pretty much landed in curious. I am just so curious and wish for ANY kind of explanation. A text telling me I was a crazy bitch would be better than what I have now.
I don’t wish him any ill, and actually really liked the guy. (A friend told me that I can’t write about egging and then actually egg because the police will come after me, so I guess I will settle for just wondering.) Maybe it is one more of life’s mysteries I will never solve.
Secretly I am still hoping he turns up and we get to prove to the universe we are high-functioning adults with communication skills. Time will tell. Until then, back to the dominos I guess.
